Do you remember when you found out that Santa Claus truly didn’t deliver the gifts every Christmas morning? I do. I was about 8. My parents had done a fantastic job of creating magic throughout my childhood…we had leprechauns visit at St. Patrick’s Day, the Easter bunny, Halloween witches, and, of course, Santa Claus. It was fun. There was mystery, and this magical sense of wonder that comes with being a child.
Sometime in elementary school, kids started spilling the beans, but my parents just let us continue to believe and they skillfully dodged the question. My brother, the more patient, obedient, and innocent child, didn’t push the issue, even though he was two years older than I. I, however, persisted. I had to know the truth. I wore them down with months of interrogation, using logic, facts, and stubborn determination. Finally, my mother relented, and one day at dinner she said, okay, you really want to know? We put the presents under the tree.
I remember my stomach dropping. On a logical level, I knew it was true, but on some naive level I wanted her to insist that the magic was real. I immediately regretted asking. My brother went a little pale and might have even gotten teary-eyed (I’m making him out to be far more delicate than he truly is). I wished that I had let the magic continue, at least for a little longer. I wish that my annoying persistence hadn’t demanded that I know the hard facts. I knew I could never go back; there was no more uncertainty that would allow itself to play through my mind as some sweet, cheery, fat man strolling through our living room in the middle of the night.
And this is why I don’t POAS. I want to hang on to the possibility, slim as it might be, that it COULD be positive. I want to enjoy the wonder and uncertainty, rather than knowing, with a measurable percentage of certainty, that it will say “negative”…”Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”
This post sounds far more dramatic and doomsday than I meant it to. In reality, I find the NOT knowing, the wonder, mystery, and maybe even magic, easier to stomach than the single solitary line that brings others certainty each morning. So, this, my friends, is why I am 13DPO, and thinking that this cycle didn’t work, but not POAS. I want to leave room for the possibility that it could be positive, rather than knowing it’s not.