IUI #1 Insemination & TMI re: toilet paper

Well, the OPK turned positive on Friday morning, so a Saturday morning insem was scheduled. My wife was supposed to fly in Saturday morning, but she would not have made it to the appointment, so we had to book a last-minute Friday night flight. Because we have moved out of our house in San Diego, we stayed at a friend’s house Friday night. We showered that night, because we planned to up super early to drive to LA, and I didn’t want to wake them up. Luckily we hit no traffic, and arrived at the doctor’s office about 20 minutes early. I felt a little funny not having showered immediately prior, so I seized the opportunity to visit the loo and use one of those gynecological wipes. You know the ones? They are like the wipes they give you after a lobster dinner to clean the lobster and drawn butter off your hands, but specially formulated for cleaning lobster and drawn butter off your lady bits. So, I had a quick restroom bath. But the wipe, see, it was really effective. It was really, really wet. And so, in my already anxious mind, I decided that it would be best to try to dry things off a little. After all, I didn’t want the doctor to think I was that kind of excited for this appointment. So I took some toilet paper, and even though a voice in my head yelled “BAD IDEA” I attempted to blot things a bit to dry them. Bad idea. The toilet paper shredded, leaving little bits here and there and everywhere. I attempted to clean them all off, already embarrassed at the idea of the doctor finding debris in my bits. Well, I did the best I could and headed for the stirrups.

We waited for the doctor in the exam room for about 20 more minutes, while I lounged pants-less on the halfway-reclined exam table. After 15 minutes of idle chit chat with my wife, it dawned on me that SHE could check for errant TP crumbles. I coerced her into peering under the paper sheet and investigating. She found and removed three little stowaways. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

Eventually the doctor came in. I asked him to give me the dildo-cam first so that we could see the egg. Unfortunately, it had already set sail, and he could see the fluid where the egg had been. Is this normal? He said it meant that I probably ovulated about an hour or so earlier. I’m hoping that means it’s still possible, but I was a little disappointed not to see it’s tiny round face smiling back at me from the ovary. The doctor made a couple of colorful jokes about how many women he was inseminating that day (Valentine’s Day). He also asked me if I could feel it (the speculum and catheter). When I told him “a little bit,” he said, “Good, this can’t be without feeling.” Har har har.

We then headed back down to San Diego to say goodbye to a few friends and have fondue for Valentine’s dinner. Sunday morning we got in the car and headed east. We hit snow on I-70, and we finally arrived home in Boulder Monday afternoon. I tried not to spend the entire 20+ hours in the car over-analyzing every bit of the insemination, considering whether sitting in a car for two days would help things or hurt things, and wondering what we will do in future months if this try didn’t work. Now I’m back at work, and I need to catch up on Mama et Maman‘s 14-Day challenge!


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