The (anticipated) delights of being a NGP

I have a million things I’d like to write about (Baby’s two brand new teeth, the horrible cold we’ve endured this week, the constant struggle to get this kid to eat enough to gain weight, etc.). Instead, I’m going to write about how much I’m looking forward to being the Non Gestational Parent.

First, let me say that I LOVE being mommy to this baby girl. I love that she seeks me for comfort, our breastfeeding relationship, how intimately and instinctively I know her and her wants/needs, etc. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love that there are moments when she looks just like me (even though she has blue eyes and blonde hair and I have green/brown, er…grey?). I love glimpsing certain quirks of her personality that I already know and understand because they are oh so familiar. I also love watching her relationship with her Momma, the NGP. I love how funny she thinks Momma is, and how they share a special cuddly and silly dynamic.

But can I say? I cannot WAIT to be the support parent during those first few days, weeks, and months. I cannot wait to NOT have the burden of making sure baby is fed enough, with all the right nutrients, from my boobs every day. I cannot wait to drink coffee or wine everyday and not have to worry about whether it will cause reflux. I cannot wait to offer the support pillow, a glass of water, a snack to my wife when I know she’ll need one because I’ve been there, attached to a kid who is sound asleep and needs sleep as badly as mom needs a stiff drink. I cannot wait to not shoulder the guilt that comes with feeling like the it’s my sole purpose in life to ensure that this child eats, breathes, poops, and sleeps to her maximum potential or I might damage her. To be fair, maybe I’m being overly optimistic and the NGP DOES feel this way. Maybe I’m being short-sided and this is a feature of my personality that will come through even if I don’t birth the next baby. Of course it does not mean I will love a baby that I don’t birth any less, but maybe I’ll be able to just enjoy the ride more. Maybe I’ll be able to have a healthier and more balanced approach to parenting – doing the best you can every day and letting go of the rest.

I’d love to hear the thoughts of others – do you think you feel more responsibility or guilt when you birth versus when you don’t? Do you think this has nothing to do with birth and postpartum hormones and more to do with who we are as parents? Or are there pros and cons to each role, inherently different?

All this to say, I am putting the cart WAY before the horse. We are 1DPO on IUI#4 (first medicated cycle) and the lining was only 6 mm at insem, so I’m not SUPER hopeful for this cycle. However, hopefully in the next few months I’ll get to start experiencing the other role. Even if it’s not as carefree and delightful as I hope, I cannot wait to find out!

image1(9).JPG

She LOVES her Momma.

image2(7).JPG

And Momma loves her!

Obligatory Sleep Post

Right after the usual questions: “How old is she?” and “What is her name?” people often ask “How is she sleeping?” I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to ask about a baby. Maybe they want to commiserate from their own experience with young children. Regardless, I have absolutely no idea how to answer. Honestly, I usually say, “I don’t know. She wakes up sometimes, but overall she’s a pretty good sleeper, I guess.”

image2(6).JPG

I have absolutely no judgment on any method of sleeping or parenting. I know that parenting is all about doing the best you can do in the circumstances you are in. Clearly, what makes sense for one family does not make any sense for another, and that’s totally okay.

We attempted the crib in our bedroom at first. We tried to put baby down “awake but drowsy” during those first few weeks home from the hospital. We got solid stretches of 4ish hours at the first part of the night, and then she’d wake up a few more times before morning. I remember one night of a 5 hour sleep stretch. I would wake up and nurse her in a chair next to her crib, staring at my wife who was sprawled out in bed, snoozing away. The first wake-up was fine. The second wake-up was pretty unbearable. I started to take the baby back to the bed with me to feed, then transfer her to the crib. Eventually, I gave up on the transfer, and we all snoozed away.

The crib thing lasted about 4 weeks, as best as I can remember. After that, I pretty much gave up and just started putting the baby to bed by nursing her in our bed. Very bad habits, I know. Once we started that pattern, she would nurse to sleep around 7:30 p.m., snooze until we went to bed closer to 10, eat again, and then periodically have a snack or few in the night. The pacifier would work sometimes. Other times she would want to eat. The pediatrician frowned on us for these bad habits, but we were also dealing with a baby who does NOT gain weight, so the doctor wanted us to keep getting calories into her through the night.

I was blessed/cursed with an oversupply of milk. It’s wonderful to have enough to feed my baby and donate my surplus, but it’s also challenging managing a supply that will soak every item of clothing and bedding I own. This meant that I couldn’t “sleep through” any nighttime feedings, because I would have to pump anyway. Not pumping or feeding would mean soaking in a puddle of milk all night. So, even though my wife was willing, I had to feed the baby.

So we ended up in the co-sleeping pattern of feeding baby as we both slept and cementied habits that I’m sure we will regret later. Around 6 months, she stopped taking the pacifier, so it’s nipple or nothing, and if she doesn’t get nipple, she escalates. A few mornings I have had a sore back from falling asleep with the nipple held jussssst the right place for her. Most nights I pull it away and roll onto my back and she keeps snoozing.

Back to the original question of how is she sleeping, I truly have no idea. I don’t have a clock in the room. I don’t usually fully wake up when I need to shift her over to the other side, and when I do, I fall right back to sleep. Some nights I know she spent nearly a whole night on one side or just had one shift over, and I consider those good nights. Some nights it seems like I shifted her over 4-5 times, and I consider those bad nights. But even on those nights I have 4-5 wake-ups of about 2-5 minutes each. I’m usually up for the day at 5:30, and I go to bed about 9:30, and I feel pretty rested overall. Unfortunately, I can’t have coffee or caffeine, because it doesn’t sit well with baby’s reflux, but I would rather keep breastfeeding  her than enjoy an Americano, so Starbucks will have to wait a few more months.

All this to say, I know many moms who are battling through these issues and trying to figure out what works for them. Our method is not perfect. It would be nice to have my bed back and be able to be closer to my wife, but I also cherish the snuggles, because I know that someday they won’t be so freely offered. I am sure that we will have a war to wage when we eventually move her into her own room and/or wean her from feeding through the night. We’ll just cross that bridge when we get to it, even if it feels a little irresponsible to be sowing the seeds of our demise in the present.

Good luck to all my friends sorting out the sleep issues and trying to remain sane! This is not easy stuff and there are no clear answers!

image1(8).JPG